Should I ?

Im really thinking these days in camp what I should do . My mind tells me that I shouldnt be selfish .. should let her have her own friends too . She have the rights to , I cant deprieve her from it .. But why my heart just ache and bleeding when I sees it , when I hear it .. that jealousy feeling . Again . Ha . Go away lah ..
have been rejecting her even though she knows and wants to be with me .. but I've been really thinking if should let her go ..Give me awhile to think then .. hais ..
What should I do ? Just feel that she's the one who really can give u that security ba . That's why If I'll have to let you go , I'll . cos Im convinced .. even though I knw I'll tear .. but its okay .. dear ..

making the necklace .. Dunknow isit the right choice .. the fear of you leaving is strong and lingering inside me ..

Let me be selfish this time ,

Those memories are playing like a film without a sound , stabbing my heart ..

Its not the first time , Im trying so hard to hold onto you yet you're enjoying things that you shouldn't , I wonder whether you will think of me when you do things ,
心碎了，即使补了也会有裂痕 .
Let me selfish this time .. since u know i hate u keep msging so dun do it in front of me .. even though it seems impossible ,
even though i know the ans and what you gonna say , I know that but im running from reality do you uds .. in my heart the ans is alr thr but im praying nt to be it uh .. but it seems like reality is cruel .. hahahahaaha . hate it manz feeling . go die la . dun mention their names in front of me can .. heart's bleeding and you're slitting it deeper ..

甜言蜜语，

哪一个是你的真心话？你每次把花说得好听，可是，我真的不知道，你哪一个是说个样，哪一个是真的你的感觉，所以我才没有安全感吧...
just now an answer popped into my head . maybe you dun feel i trust you , dun give u security .. maybe wan sia does ba . see how u reacted when you're in bintan says everything . only when u trust that person , and feel safe with that person will you only go finding that person when the person's far away from you .. maybe u left that person cos u cant reject me so willing to help . maybe cos u dw to break my heart . but .. i really wish you to choose who u really want and i will pray for u to be happy , that's where i will be contented . choosing between two , you're always talking to shu yi thru sms , but , u ended up choosing wan sia alr tells me clearly ur answer and my supporting evidence ..
when i really wants to help , you reject .. not wanting me to worry is an excuse to me .. if we're friends then let me share the pain with you , idw to just only share the joy together and leave u alone when u are sad . it just simply sucks the way you want it to be . keeping it to urself just make me feel so ass , fked up and wanna cry .. why ..
not trusting me just simply stabs my heart when u made doubting tones . why must u suspect me and think u are the one right . why cant you ensure that its nt you before making the doubt ? it says everything uh .. heart breaks , tears flowed , for all i've done .
hate botenic garden .. maybe cos of the guilt , like you owed him something , when he ask u do something u dont want , u obliged willingly . when i asked you , you either says '' you know i dun like taking pictures '' or just appear so fake and unwillingly in front of the camera . just simply hate the feeling ... make me feel so .. ha .. fked myself . why is there a difference . running away from the feeling is the only thing i can do so that i wont appear wierd in front of you and i wont feel de damn you feeling .
using phone in front of me , lying sy to say im ur mother , asking u to slp so u wont need to reply her in chalet , lying that ur mother bring u go snow city , say will reply later , u ignored me so long , yet i've to reply u fast if nt u will dear ? me , ha ... turning my head away cos idw look at you , and that damn phone becos u didnt spare a thought for me . u say u have nothing to say when i used but did u stand in my position and think . how u reacted so loudly to a msg will make me wanna say shut up and sms quietly . all u did was to ask wat happen and ask when u're looking at the phone ? fuck you . i rather u sms like no one's business in front of me and dc abt me than you wanna entertain two ppl at a time . its impossible , i rather u hurt one ppl than two . so fked up .

Dont go back to the past ,

Hahha ... that jealousy and fked up feeling is so strong uh . haunted me for days le . maybe my attitude sucks like hell . why he ask u to take photo u look so willing inside and wat he ask u do u will do it so willingly ? why i ask u u always look so unnatural plus look so unwilling . why that difference . HAHAH .. can cry die uh . decided nt to ask u take photos le . it will wanna make me cry . for all i did for u and this is all i get uh . i rather hate nt leaving memories than to see it and feel like crying becos of ur actions . what can i say . its so... hahhahahhahhahhaha . FUCKED UP uh .
you jealous me and my friend ''in relationship'' , jealous i with family , feel that i dun keep my words and promise , even also suspect me . what's the definition of trust .. why after so much i've done for you , so much that i suffered silently for you , u will still dun trust me , only urself , thinking that you're the one who's right and im wrong ? u know it fking hell hurts to be misunderstood . u dun like dun means i dc uh . becos i give a damn to it uh . stab my heart , when u give me the suspect look and sounds so when u're the one in the wrong . have you thot that i also feel this way ? have u ever spare a thought for me ? selfish thought ..

why i explained to you so much , you just think you're right ? do you know that ur selfish thought of wanting both will cause you to regret . and idw u to regret cos it will be too late then .. spare a thought for ur mummy ba . her flesh and blood , you feel it to be so cruel and so pain , what abt her ? she dun feel btr uh . i hope u think over . blame me if u want , say i cruel idc . i know one day you'll uds my intention ..
humans are selfish uh . i cant blame u too .


12 sticks still haunts me and my heart's still bleeding ,
numb .


Dont go back to the past , please .


对不起，你让我没安全感，

强求没有幸福，

别人用写的来写痛这个字，而我用眼泪和血来刻出痛这个字。。
You didnt know that that 12 sticks make me fall so deep that my heart still bleeds .. ha ..

feel so stupid ,

feel so stupid to be talking so much to you , yet ur reaction is slow and .. so LOL . HAHAHA . what can I say uh . feel like an idiot talking . must be feeling bored talking to me and do other things ba . ha . still tell me . what the hell is wrong with me ! argh ... damn it . fuck myself .
WHAT DO I WANT FROM YOU !

:')

知道失望两个字这么写吗？

Meaningless ,

Why is that you can listen to ur songs i cant ? why is that all i have to listen to you if nt you bs with me ? why are you so selfish ..
hais ...
you're trying to please two ppl at a time by talking , but do u realise that when u go out with someone , thr smsing is so wtf ? when i msg you u didnt reply so long , even though i knw u are out with someone , when i nvr reply for 10 mins u dear ? me le . ha . what's this .

强求没有幸福，

Ha .. feel like crying lolol .
asked you to take pictures is like asking ur life , he ask you jiu different , i know cos different feeling right HAHHAHA !!
What can I say . What can I ask for . What more do I want from you . Hais ...
Should give up trying to take photos of you . so nt like you in the photos , meaningless . What's the point of holding onto memories that are so ... unwilling . HAHHA . Wan ning , give up ba .

Regrets

You never given me a chance to explain urself , selfish is all i could think of . but i also understand becos you keep having the thoughts that you're dying soon , you're leaving soon that's why u cherish the times with me and worry for me . its just that i dun want you to have those thoughts .. and i feel so breathless with you .. tied me too tight becos u love me , i know.
i dun want you to be angry cos its so scary.. make me cry in public X.x
Its never the same ,

不一样的对待，

Compare how much she's worth to you , i feel nth to you , ha . Jealousy ? or maybe im just sad . dun know what i shld do . let go ? hahas . sy treating her this way=her treating ws this way .
what's the point .
What do I really want for myself and from you ?

心会痛痛地流血着,

everytime i knew that i have to tell the truth till the end , but it hurts alot more to knw ur reaction when i react nth when u did the same to me . Ha . hate itttttt...
what should I do that's the best way for us ?
Im trying to let go of feelings . and .. get over it .

forget it ,

忘了它吧，忘了它吧。她不会因为你而改变，它只是你自己的感觉，让自己麻醉吧，麻醉吧，忘了它吧。
当你把她当作你的一切时，这不代表她把你当作她的一切，看开吧。她不只属于你。不要自私，不要不讲理，不要要求attention , 很讨人厌！
琬甯，你到底要的是什么，你要她这么做。。。

Just feel like crying ,

Just feel like crying out all my feelings hahaha , hate the way u says it . things u dont dare u will just dont do it . but with outside ppl , u will . ha . what the fuck is this oh oooo .
laughs . ''if i go one competition you how '' what how . what can i say oh oooo . how ? hahhaha .. hate that sucky feeling .


why i still dk wat u thinking after so long .
failure ,

You never said ,

you never said ur feelings and hw u want me to understand u .. im tired uh .
always asking yet u always keep ur mouth shut , so what can i say ? i wanna help but u dont give me the chance to .
i kw u still guilty abt ur relationship with him .. but u can say it out uh . rather than keep to urself .
idw to share only the good moments with u and when u are sad and feeling down bla , i cant be there to share with you . how sucky is that .. ha .

never say dun mean dun know ,

左右为难,

you never knew my situation , all u wanted is results uh .. never considered my feelings , never tried asking about anything other than STUDIES . that's all . you're asking alot from us .. dun compare us with the highest , we cant be them , dont dream , and hope for the impossible . hate it ..
Guilty die .. ha .
when you've always wanted me to go out with you , yet . smashed hopes ha . ur here like that . sy , c thr also like that. . hahhahaa . hate it.. my fault ...
hais .
If someone who can understand me , how nice is that ..

你把我逼到墙的一角,

我受够了,为什么什么都要听你的,你问问自己了解我吗?你好不可利欲,好不讲理 .
I would rather want a stable , heartwarming family than now , so big hse also no use . 家的温暖都不在了..
everyone do their own things , not even any talkings together , always the same typical day together . I want back the past . the one i used to have . sometimes , when people says that , the more u know someone , the more the person become a stranger like you . it seems so in ur case . dun understand what you are thinking , and i dont bother to explain myself even though u misunderstood me and never knew my situation , maybe becos i dun explain ba . the distance between us is getter greater and greater . ha . one side , dear who's condition is bad and can leave anytime when operation is useless , that's why treasure the time with me .. one side , coach , teachers , seniors , team mates , juniors , school expecting invitational shoot to go on smoothly , one side , the unreasonable you , who dun care what reason , even though its sch event you dun give a damn to it and makes things difficult for me . one side , myself having to face everything ALONE . ha . I hate it . Fuck you .

YOU-never knew .

you never give me a chance to explain , never put urself in my place .
you miss me yet i bomb you with this , i kinda gave you up for coach . when all my explaination is crap to you now , and meaningless uh . but there is of course things that you dunknow uh .
when i alr gave up my thurs for you , when i know i cant make it on that day too , but what can i do..
dun wanna explain when u dun have ears for me to explain ,
this feeling have gone along for a very long time , and all i do is shut up . maybe becos i knw u have depression , so ur mood wont be good and what can i get telling you . you'll only want to kill urself uh .
what can i do ? with ur thoughts .. it have tortured me for a very long time uh ..

My life ,

我的世界为了你而颠倒得环绕，你不知我为了你改变多少，该这么做才是最好的方法呢？这个问题我已经问了自己好久了，都没有答案，反而自己累了。。
you already became part of my life ,  cant imagine the days without you ,

分心，

tired . dunknow how to help . worried . what should i do . 一个人的力量好累，好孤单哦。你知道这种感觉，会体会吗？
helpless is the only word i can think of .
都这样的过，行得过吗？
the only way i can have my stress , worry , woes and trouble to release out is to go crazy with friends and laugh like i can ba .
''the bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists''

Every reason has its own story behind ,

''Cheers , babe ''
both words are from shu yi ba . laughs . I hate the way it reminds me of jealousy , i hate the way how she can change/guide u so easily when i'm trying my best to do so . the effort compared , laughs . what's the point of telling you when i know there won't be any difference made , when you will be guilty , i rather suffer alone silently , not hurting anyone , stab myself would bleed lesser than telling someone ba . Laughs . here you go abt wan sia agn . i know you know about my feeling and trying to avoid , trying to cheer me up , sorry , effort gone to waste , because i never said and you never knew . its just you not senstive , no worries . its okay . I'll be fine . so many months le , still count today for wat . going to make it numb . like how it did . laughs .
ur blog .. haha .
''mama''this name hurts , that smses u sent hurts but what can i do , lol . like how she said . what's the point of saying . there won't be any difference made , wanning , there won't be . dont hope for the impossible , give it up ba .

It will come again .

Jealousy feeling will come again cos wan sia and shu yi are backkkk :( not dun wish they're back just that that feeling will come stronger than i think ba . HAHAHAH . POR WAN NING . why cant u just accept that u cant be selfish and she just dont belong to you only . Laughs . hate it hate it hate it ! ARGH . hate the way you hold my hand , getting my attention when you're smsing someone . Hate the way you ask what happen to me when i walked/ turn my head away , Its cos idw see u smsing and talking to me . hate it . maybe i want the attention to myself ba =S haisss .

Useless .

不觉得每一次你告诉我的时候，我越来越平静吗？从以前的哭到死去活来到今日的平静，自己知道明明就很痛，而是痛到麻的那种吧。
100个，1000个理由有用吗? 我的恐惧始终不会走的。。可能就是因为这样所以我的行为和话语让你以为我在怀疑你吧，那又这么样，说了能改变什么吗？都是废话吧，听过就把它忘得一干二净。
要说的话，就只有痛死了。。。
你教会我承诺都是假的，都可以失约，都可以弄断，只是说说罢了，承诺到底是什么？可以告诉我吗？知道你很努力了，没怪你，即使自己痛得要死我都会把它放在心里不告诉你，因为爱你所以会一直原谅你，可是因为这样就把我当作理所当然吗？
我不习惯把心里的话说出来，虽然悲伤可是在心里一直为你加油，希望你不要放弃，不要让我失望，可是时间一久，心灰意冷了。。

A sorry that doesn't mean anything ,

yesterday said it harsh , that's because it hurts to not say out even when i know . keeping my mouth shut doesnt mean idk , it just meant that idw u to ltr guilty , ltr sad i will be more TT... you don't say even though u know ur feeling is there is just dw me sad and dw me go think ba .
i know i cant be selfish to ask u to do this do that for me . becos its u and its difficult to change one's character . i cant possibly ask you to not sms , to not do say those words to others that will make me think otherwise what u are thinking and which of ur words are true uh .
I HATE BEING JEALOUS . you wont understand de .. i regretted telling you . becos even though i knew i nvr wanted a difference made from you but after telling , my heart seems to be waiting for some changes . the greater the hope , the greater the dissapointment ba . best is dont even harbour one ,wan ning .
maybe overprotection will really make u breathless but u are just letting us becos u knw we cared , nvr told us ur feelings and keeping it to urself don't help at all .

Lies

Why can you run away but I have to face the reality . Why must I be the one suffering in silence when you can vent all you want . Are promises really meant to be broken ? What IS promise to you . Why is it that I have to hold on and try like hell when you arent . Do you know that one person strength is hard . Do you know that I have to perserver even though all the odds are against me ?
I cant feel the security even though you say u love me . 为你付出那么多，回报只是伤害。what's the purpose . Everytime say will learn , end up will repeat ur mistakes . ''I promise'' is so fake . and ''sorry'' IS NOTHING TO ME . it has lost its meaning .
I'm tired . You're 15 and I'm 15 . Why is it that I'm expected so much yet you are not .